The Promises She Made

For a while I had been losing my connection to the Gods and Goddesses. In my efforts to fully understand my path, my place, and how it all fits together, my views of spirituality was becoming more and more secular. What was once a prayer to a higher being was now considered a psychological boost for what was going on internally. I also have to admit that a part of me wanted to make it more palatable to those that didn’t understand my ways, including close family members who would either label my spiritual practice as Satanism or call it a crutch for the weak. If I could present everything scientifically, I could both appease and oppose those who wanted to slap those labels on me.

That’s one thing about living a spiritual life. You will often find yourself falling off the wagon, but it’s a necessary thing to strengthen your path and your connection to Spirit. I’ve fallen off the wagon many times. Often it was to appease others as this is a learned flaw of mine that I’m always trying to work on. Sometimes it was because something new came about that made me question my path. This is a good thing because this is how we refine our practices. And sometimes life just got too busy, painful, tiresome, and chaotic to dedicate the time and energy toward my spiritual practice. After all, that’s the whole point of the word “practice.” You have to work at it in order to do well with it and in it.

I found myself at that bitter, empty crossroad where I wondered what on earth I was doing. Was I praying to an actual spiritual being or was I just convincing myself and making myself do what I wanted subconsciously? Did the Gods and Goddesses really exist or were they a strong figment of my wishes and imagination? And if they did exist, what form did they take? Seriously, I didn’t know anymore. I got swept up in a lot of clutter and lost what I believed in.

And then we went on vacation. That in itself was a chore and a half with a new baby to travel with. We packed our entire house to travel an hour away, and it was full of busy moments, gathering friends and family, trips back home to feed the pets, and let’s not forget the baby not sleeping in this new environment. I was overtired, overworked, and running on empty. My bitterness was growing. I felt so abandoned by everything and everyone as so much of this I did alone, sacrificing my own need for rest so others could enjoy themselves. Yes, another flaw of mine I’m working on.

On the cusp of feeling like giving up on life, just forgetting my dreams and tossing aside all that makes me who I am to just do what I have to do and then spend the rest of my time vegging in front of the TV, I caught a quiet moment at night. The moon had been making its appearance and was lighting up the wooded grove behind our rented room. I ventured outside and caught a feeling I had forgotten for a long time between diaper changes, night wakings, business clients, and everything else. The next night, after a long, tough day, I did something I felt I hadn’t done in ages. I spoke to the Moon Goddess.

The day before I had finally grasped a mental visual of how Spirit enacted in our lives and wrote it down. I realized/remembered that Gods and Goddesses may not be “matter” but they are as real as we want them to be. Some may chalk this up to imagination, but realizing how Spirit fit into all life, I realized that wasn’t the case. Spirit, though not measurable by tools, exists. It must exist because I have seen too much synchronicity to be considered coincidence. Coincidences shouldn’t number in the thousands.

So I prayed. I spoke. I stared at that just about full moon and talked to my Matron Goddess Irosa, telling her of the pain I had been feeling lately. I needed her help. She responded, speaking through my heart, speaking through the channels of Spirit. She promised that I would be presented with joyous moments to come and I had to embrace them as much as possible so that when I was feeling pain and bitterness, I could remember those moments and let them carry me through.

We had a fun day visiting waterfalls, and I caught a few glimpses of that joy, including positive identification of a black raspberry. Then a very difficult car ride back from taking care of the pets made me forget most of them. The next day we visited another waterfall with family. This trip was different. Though I realized what bad shape I was in when it turned out I thought the sign said something completely different and made us go the wrong way (for days I had been reading the sign wrong…days,) there was something extra special about this moment. Besides the passing storms, the first thing I noticed was all the purple flowering raspberry. I finally made a positive identification. Next was the walk through the moist forest toward the waterfalls. It was like a trip through a tropical rainforest. Then the waterfalls themselves were gorgeous.

Fast forward to the night. I was itching for a romantic bath with the hubby, but my parents were staying with us and I didn’t know how to tactfully work that in. So as I’m trying to plan all this, I got stuck watching the baby while the others played a game. Feeling that bitterness again, I finally said I was going to take a bath. They said no problem.

I had some flameless candles surround the hot Jacuzzi bath (big tub, super cool!) As I sat there boiling, I opened the blinds on the nearby window. The clouds from the day of storms were finally starting to clear, and the full moon wanted to make her appearance. Lightning still flashed across the sky, lighting up my bath beautifully. Finally, as I relaxed with the first quiet downtime I’ve had in ages (well, with the jets on, it drowned out any shenanigans,) the full moon slipped out from behind the clouds and appeared before me. In this moment was the purest of amazing ceremonies. It was unplanned and came together with beautiful synchronicity. There I was floating with a hint of light inside and the glorious full moon lighting from outside. She danced in and out of clouds, and I finally saw a true silver lining as a dark, black cloud would have an illuminated outline of silver. I was in bliss. Joy. Utter personal ecstasy. It was less than an hour, but it was such a healing moment in many regards.

Irosa had come through. Though the skies were gray and stormy all day, in that moment I decided to relax and take a bath, she showed up to give her blessings. She said she would present joys before me, and now she did, clearly and obviously, so that I knew it was coming from her. I asked and she responded. If that is not confirmation of Her Gracious Goddess, I don’t know what is.

You can try to explain it all away with rationality and skepticism, but I really don’t care. I cannot quantify, explain, or truly document the feeling, the connection, the pure bliss of connecting with Spirit. If you do not believe, if you do not want to believe, I cannot make you and I really don’t care to try. Those who have felt it know what I’m talking about, and those who want to feel it can use my words to help guide them towards their own spiritual bliss. All I know is that I asked and I did receive. I can no longer live in doubt without dishonoring the gifts given to me this day.